The Dark and Moody Chicks

Lucasian

2006-07-08T14:33:00.000-09:30

I don't know that I would've taken Stephen Hawking's intelligence as seriously had it not been for his seduction of his nurse. I mean, fuck. Thing is, anyone else, I would've deemed it a rotten thing to do, but Stephen Hawking? The guy's already the world's best-known nerd boy, which is usually considered a handicap to a good sex life to begin with, and despite this and everything else he manages to get with her?

That's fucking genius, to quote Charlie Sheen from Being John Malkovich.

---

It's seriously fucking hot and humid here. If people had any idea how hot it got here in the summer, they'd stop saying to me, "Ahh...the cold!" as if Minnesota has only one season.

I saw a commercial for the POTC and desperately missed the beaches in San Diego.

A Briefer History

2006-07-08T14:27:00.000-09:30

Not that I totally got A Brief History of Time (okay, I didn't even partially get it. All I remember was it started out with something about a turtle and Aristotle and after that parabolas and italicized letters -- c, and x, and n -- came flying out at me, like Sesame Street from hell), but I was bummed to see his "more accessible" version out. The whole point of ABHOT is to read it and give off the impression that you get it, that you're deep, man...smart. You understand the universe. You can do stuff with parabolas.

Reading A Briefer History is like doing girl pushups.

Stephen Hawking

2006-07-08T14:21:00.000-09:30

Yahoo! Answers, at first, looks terribly annoying -- an "official" forum masquerading as a community of question askers and answerers. But, in the end, it's actually kind of cute if you take every answer with an apocryphal grain of salt. Still, though, it bugs me that celebrities like Hawking and Bono are asking questions of it. It reminds me of when CNN.com asked for info on how to lower gas prices, and we got back a shitload of conspiracy theories, anti-capitalist rants, and downright racist ravings.

Put some vegetable grease in your diesel engine and go.

Nukes.

2006-07-05T19:04:00.000-09:30

I don't know how to feel about the North Korea missile thing... When John Bolton did the press conference today, I didn't have my contacts in, so I could only hear him...and fuck, he sounds like Tobias Funke.

And that sums it all up. Fucking awesome.

Fuckabee

2006-07-05T18:54:00.000-09:30

Of all the brilliant moments that were in I Heart Huckabees (and there were many), one of the crowning achievements was Naomi Watts hissing, "Fuckabees."

Don't we all wish we had a bumpersticker to that effect? But unless we're in Arkansas, it doesn't matter...and who wants to be in Arkansas?

I fear if he runs, though, he'd win.

Ziggy.

2006-07-03T14:40:00.000-09:30

I once received a one-a-day Ziggy calendar in a white-elephant Secret Santa thing. I was like, "Okay, who hates me and wants me to know they think I'm a pathetic loser??"

The suspects, at the time, were many.

Flood.

2006-07-03T14:37:00.000-09:30

I hate that fucking story of the guy and the flood and the prayer and the rescue shit. Hopefully, no one does a "Katrina"-twist. That would be very, very wrong.

Rhetorical

2006-07-03T14:32:00.000-09:30

Seriously, how do people strike up conversations these days? Is it the texting thing? Is it that people are now giving such short answers via text that they carry that over into their daily conversation?? Or is my lack of knowledge of Kate Hudson really that damning?

Kate Hudson

2006-07-03T14:27:00.000-09:30

I do know she inspired some really shitty songs from Chris Robinson...But no one knows who that is. The weird thing? How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days was on the other night. Spooky!

Isolation.

2006-07-03T14:23:00.000-09:30

What does that Duke study mean about Americans? Are we becoming less of a Hallmark-sending society? Does it even matter? All those myspace profiles with
15,000-some odd friends can't be wrong.

Patronizing

2006-07-03T14:19:00.000-09:30

I picture a tightly-smiling, insincere midwestern woman saying, "Have a happy period." Actually, I picture my stepmother.

Excommunicate.

2006-07-03T14:17:00.000-09:30

I'll never understand the Vatican's bizarre morality.

kaffeeklatsch

2006-07-03T14:07:00.000-09:30

And of course, we'd have no Star Jones type person pontificating about faith and sex after
marriage-and-gastric-bypass surgery.

Suicide By..

2006-06-26T16:07:00.000-09:30

I'm still wondering why Saddam hasn't chosen to represent himself. Isn't that what Milesovic did? It's just something I've come to expect from megalomaniacal dictators.

--
In other news, looks like Warren Buffet got inspired by Anderson Cooper's interview with Angelina Jolie. I knew it would touch lives.

Salmonella

2006-06-25T05:26:00.000-09:30

My dad went to school in England, so Cadbury has a special place in our house despite being owned by Nestle or Hershey or something like that. Sometimes, when my dad came home from
work, he'd leave a huge bar of Cadbury Fruit 'n' Nut in the fridge, and we'd pick at it for a week.

And now, when I want to find this particular bar, it's almost impossible. Once, I did find one, only to discover it was all stale and gross. Oh, but there's white chocolate Hershey bars by the assload.

I'm such a loser.

Real Girls

2006-06-25T05:22:00.000-09:30

I've always been out of the loop on fashion. I watch Project Runway and have no clue what's going on. "She's not wearing that out of the house, is she??? Oh, no she didn't!"

And it turns out, practically everybody is wearing that. And I'm like, Hey! These Livestrong bracelets sure are cool!

Jeans

2006-06-25T05:17:00.000-09:30

I miss the Mudd jeans that had a bit of a flare and made my ass look really good. What is this South Pole bullshit????

Everything I love gets taken from me.

Captain EO

2006-06-25T03:43:00.000-09:30

I was soooo scared of Michael Jackson as a kid. I'm not sure if my parents were aware of this. I don't know if they realized there was a correlation between my hysterical screaming (seriously) and anything off the Thriller album.

So, of course, living in Southern California, we went to Disneyland a lot, and Captain EO, which is basically Michael Jackson in 3-D was huge. Much of my dad's family is from South America, and they seemed to really really like Michael Jackson there at the time. So, when they'd come to visit, we'd go to Disneyland and I'd have to sit through Captain EO.

I know it fucked me up in some way. I'm not sure exactly how, but I know it did.

And now with all that's happened with Jackson, I feel mildly vindicated.

Oh, NOW you think he's weird.

To quote Will Wheaton's Wesley Crusher... "Adults."

Lilac Convalescent

2006-06-25T03:41:00.000-09:30

It's ugly, but I suppose it does help that alleged Great Society fuckup.

Old Folks

2006-06-25T03:38:00.000-09:30

I can't believe they're raising the recruitment age for the military. Guess we really are desperate. We sure are putting said boot in said ass, aren't we, Toby?

Susan Powter

2006-06-25T03:36:00.000-09:30

How could you not get off to those informercials back in the day? Seriously? Hot.

Art or Porn

2006-06-25T03:26:00.000-09:30

I will say this, as unattractive (sorry) as I find the Tamara Hoover, I do like the photography. I wonder if she and her partner do wedding photography.

As long as I don't have to wear tape on my nipples, it's cool.

Argentina

2006-06-17T05:50:00.000-09:30

I know this one's a gamble. Seriously, though, I was just glancing through the "Top Searches," and "Argentina" made me do a double-take.

Anyway, last time I did a comic regarding Angelina Jolie, all my Amazon ads for weeks kept churning out Angelina products (they're supposed to just show new DVD's that are on sale -- stuff like "Brokeback Mountain" and "King Kong").

That'll convince my family that I'm straight.

Exclusive

2006-06-17T05:43:00.000-09:30

I'm pretty sure the only reason anyone tuned in (if at all. I think we all just decided to look it up online later) was to see Britney Spears cry, which is pretty cruel. Some people have mastered the cute cry. Britney has not (nor should she be expected to).

Grill

2006-06-17T05:23:00.000-09:30

Back in 1999, a couple of guys said to me, "I'd like to bend her over my tailgate!" They, of course, said this of Britney Spears, who was huge at the time.

I wonder if they'd say that now.

Here's hoping that after her next baby is born, she goes on that fabulous Nicole Richie diet and shows up all the haters.

Tonight Show

2006-06-14T20:21:00.000-09:30

I stayed up to watch the Leno in hopes of seeing George Carlin and Ann Coulter go at it. But nothing happened. I'm sure Carlin had to be careful. Just listening to her speak probably gave him a mild stroke. I almost had to go off to my own happy place. If Hitler were alive (and no, I'm not comparing her to Hitler), he'd hit the talk show circuit. And there would be people cheering him on. Every viewpoint's got a fan, which is somewhat reassuring. You can never be truly alone.

Not to be too mean, but doesn't Ann look like one of the mermaids from the Harry Potter movie??

That was below me.

Mosquito

2006-06-13T21:54:00.000-09:30

I've read a few posts (the guys at boing boing seem to be going back and forth on this) suggesting the "Mosquito", the high pitched ring tone those pesky kids are using to thumb their Razr noses at teachers, parents, and other old fogies in authority, may be a hoax. I have no clue. I didn't even know adult ears lose their sensitivity. I just assumed it happened if you listened to too much loud rock music (guilty, but it was worth it...except when I was talking way too loudly about the people behind us, thinking I was actually speaking in an indoor voice (to the bald fucker in the Des Moines' Starbucks, I apologize)).

There's a link to the mosquito sound file at BBC. I think I can hear it, but it's really faint. I can, however, hear the giggling, which makes me wonder if this is some evil prank being played by the youth of the world.

Unfortunately, I don't have any access to any children right now.

I think I'll be ovulating soon. Is that too young?

Yes, it's very Emperor's New Clothes meets....Children of the Corn.

Heather Mills

2006-06-12T07:33:00.000-09:30

If Heather Mills should regret anything, it's doing porn in the 80's...not that you can really consider what she did to be "porn." Personally, I define "porn" as "having eight or more people or at least two donkeys involved."

My standards are high.

What Heather Mills did (from what I've seen) looks more like a edgier Olivia Newton John video.

Hot.

I don't know how people got off in the '80s. I was a little kid back then, so I didn't really get to experience the decade sexually, but looking back on it...wow. That would've been an entire decade of asexuality for me, thanks. And it's not just the idea of it being so long ago. I've seen pictures from the 70's and before that I've found arousing. Nothing from the 80s...

Absolutely nothing.

I'd like to blame that on Reagan. So, how unfortunate for Heather Mills to have done porn during that era, when, in my opinion, it didn't count.

Anyway, hell apparently hath no fury like a Beatle scorned.

But this is just Paul's comeuppance for Wings.

I'm puzzled by the reaction to this though. With digital cameras and video cameras more readily affordable these days, tell me who hasn't made a sex tape? Taken naked pictures? Gotten a bad perm?

Right. Now, everyone's gonna reply with "Not me!!!"

Am I the only one?

Jazil

2006-06-11T05:02:00.000-09:30

Do people still izzle-ate? I really don't keep up, but I certainly hope not. It's been long enough...

A few weeks ago, I caught a bit of the Country Music Awards. Trace Adkins, surrounded by scantily-clad, perpetually smiling (like spawns of the Joker) women, finished a performance by saying, "This is what we do what we do. It's all about the badonkadonk."

Yes, I realize that might not be a word-for-word exact quote.

I was too grossed out and insulted to take notes.

There was so much wrong with that scene. Sooo much.

Recently, there's been an attempt to merge contemporary country with some elements of hip hop culture. I'd be okay with this if it were done seamlessly, but having a greasy, middle-aged white guy leering at women while donning lyrical blackface is just too jarring.

When I saw Cowboy Troy for the first time, I smiled. Yes, a Black country singer is a bit of a novelty (it shouldn't be), but what really got me was how bashfully cute he was. And he shook his ass in a way that no heterosexual white country singer would naturally allow himself. The camera kept cutting away from him and his booty-shaking in the video for "I Play Chicken With the Train" ostensibly so country music watchers wouldn't, to quote Margaret Cho, have a "homo-moment."

Cowboy Troy's rapping and boasting, especially of impressing Tim McGraw (yeah, Tim McGraw), was strangely endearing. I know a lot of it, unfortunately for me, had to do with that novelty factor. Of course, it wasn't just a "Hey, looky! A colored-fella's on GAC! Bless my spurs!" No, I had a very liberal moment. I envisioned a world where people of every nationality would feel free to sing slick, over-polished, patronizing ditties without fear of discrimination. I wouldn't put it on par with Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat, but considering how pathetically backward we're becoming under Bush, I take my little liberal bong hits where I can get them.

But Trace Adkins' performance wasn't even remotely cute. Trace Adkins is the guy you smile and have sex with because he's paying you for it. He's no one you aspire to lay. You don't brag about something like that. Sure, you may bring it up in conversation, but only in a "please pity me, for I have had sex with that dirtball Trace Adkins" way.

I once knew a girl who was really proud of having had sex with Woody Harrelson.

I don't think I smoke enough pot to envy that.

Beyond the staged and canned eroticism of the act though, it was Adkins' use of the term "Badonkadonk" that really got me.

Blues, Jazz, Rock 'n Roll....

Now Badonkadonk.

The line must be drawn here, no further!

I'm not against all white guys talking crunk....just the creepy, crusty old ones that can't pull it off.

Though, I suppose, if there's anyone who knows badonkadonk, it's crusty old white guys who patronize Midwestern honky tonks.

Manny

2006-06-10T16:01:00.000-09:30

I'm gone for a couple of weeks, and I come back to this. This??? Okay, granted, Al-Zarqawi is dead, and that's great...stuff actually happens, I guess... but Britney's "Manny" seems to be what's really important.

And good for her. I feel bad for him, though. From some of the press I've read, it just seems like he's being spun as emasuclated ex-military who isn't living up to his Semper Fi potential.

Wait...is Semper Fi Navy? or Marines? or Toys for Tots?

This is why it took me so long to even remotely get into Star Trek. I'm so not a "regimen" kind of gal.

This is what kept me out of Girl Scouts.

Anyway, I hate that he's being called a "manny." I realize that term has been with us for quite some time, but the way people have latched onto it...ugh.

I'm getting really sick of how clever we've become, especially when our wit is limited to cheesy portmanteaus. I even came across something where someone was mocking his pectorals, and instead of just calling them "man boobs," he called them "moobs."

Yeah. "Moobs."

Please, please stop.

(Although, I was talking about Quentin Tarantino earlier today and accidentally said Queerantino, and I thought, Hey, what a great term for ....something queer...and violent...and jive...and... staring Uma Thurman! Right. It's gonna take awhile before I know exactly what that term can be applied to. But I'm not letting it go just yet. I have big plans!

No, not really.)

the Beautiful

2006-06-09T06:03:00.000-09:30

Hey everyone, sorry about the hiatus. I ran out to California for a bit (everything's cool. I did go to a rodeo while out there (my brothers are going through a phase). I'm still not ready to talk about that. It will take time).

Anyhow, there are like 14 new comics up for you. Enjoy!

Copper

2006-06-09T05:57:00.000-09:30

Apparently, with the run up on commodities, people are stealing lightposts and shit, and selling them to scrapyards for an assload of meth money.

I'm not on meth, but I'd like to think I could pay in pennies and only have to pay half, 'cause, you know, technically....

And if they don't melt down the copper, fuck them ( yes, I realize this is all pre-'82 stuff). They had their chance.

Outlook

2006-06-09T05:54:00.000-09:30

I used to work at an EMS factory, and sometimes we'd use TI chips, and I'd just marvel every time I'd look at one of them, thinking thoughts of my wasted education.

Yu-Gi-Oh!

2006-06-09T05:46:00.000-09:30

I went to a rodeo with my brothers (I'm scarred, seriously), and one of the vendors was selling ersatz Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. One of my brothers is a big Yu-Gi-Oh! player, and he called the vendor on his fraudulence.

Meanwhile, I was aghast that someone would seriously counterfeit this stuff. I mean, it's Yu-Gi-Oh!

The fact that some "legit" cards fetch over six-figures blows me away.

I'm split between lamenting a world in which people counterfeit Yu-Gi-Oh! cards, and lamenting a world in which people give a shit about Yu-Gi-Oh!

Keanu

2006-06-09T05:36:00.000-09:30

I know nothing about A Scanner Darkly. It sounds wonderfully paranoid and Orwellian. It sounds perfectly appropriate for the current era, but hearing Keanu say that stilted line...

It's hard not to be taken out of the scene completely.

House Majority Leader

2006-06-09T05:32:00.000-09:30

Nothing makes me feel better, than making a dick joke out of an ultraconservative's surname.

Okay, lots of things make me feel better.

But nothing works this fast.

Inhofe

2006-06-09T05:24:00.000-09:30

I'm amazed at what people are proud of. When I was a kid, some neighbors of ours, inspired by a Brady bunch episode, tried to set a record for bottles-of-soda drunk.

The world abounds with dubious honors.

Monkey Punch.

2006-06-09T05:19:00.000-09:30

Rupert Murdoch must have a low opinion of American teens.

Actually, I think he just has a low opinion of everyone. You have to, I think, to be able to cackle as he most like does at the end of every business day.

Livestrong

2006-06-09T05:06:00.000-09:30

I'll say it: I fucking hated those Livestrong bracelets. They offended my Protestant desire for humble charity. How is my left hand not supposed to know what my right hand is doing if my right hand is sporting an ugly yellow plastic/rubber (what were those things made of?) bracelet? Now my left hand knows my right hand has shelled out some money to fight cancer, but also to tell the world (and my left hand) that it supports fighting cancer. My left hand thus becomes competitive and buys a pink bracelet to say, "Hey, you may support fighting cancer, but I support fighting tit cancer! Take that, and your disorganized 'all and any cancer,' bitch!"

But, when you take off the bracelets, doesn't that kinda imply that you're no longer into fighting cancer? That you've moved on? That fighting cancer used to be hip, but now you're on to bigger and better things...like Wolfmother?

My mother wears, what I think is, a white pro-life bracelet.

Yes, the irony is not lost on me, especially when I'd spent a week agonizing over whether I'm late or whether some bitch has just hijacked my cycle again.

(Michelle is not against cancer research. Support it. Buy the bracelets, whatever. Fight cancer. Fight it like an X-man, damn it!)

Pink Spoon

2006-06-09T04:57:00.000-09:30

I can't believe Baskin Robbins is doing this "Find the Pink Spoon" thing. First the good folks of Arizona supposedly miss that "The Pink Taco" is double entrende (now, they're shocked...SHOCKED!), now the pink spoon...

Maybe I'm just a pervert.

But still....the pink spoon. Didn't anyone mention something??? Or at least giggle? 'Cause the giggling could've been a clue.

Summer Reading.

2006-06-09T04:54:00.000-09:30

My grandfather used to sell Seagram's liquor. I used to carry my books in a Seagram's Vodka bag. It's really hard for me to adjust to the company's "more than liquor" turnabout.

Ann Coulter Doll

2006-06-09T04:39:00.000-09:30

I'm not sure Ann Coulter deserves the scrutiny she gets. I mean, is she really more offensive and stupid than, say, Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Reilly??

Though, it makes me seriously dry heave when I hear anyone suggest she's hot.

Has it seriously come to this? Are we so devoid of beauty here in America that we've resorted to calling Ann Coulter "hot"????

First Paris Hilton.

Now Ann Coulter.

Hitler, you've won. Enjoy your copy of "Godless." You deserve it...hell, you deserve the whole Ann Coulter canon.

Approval

2006-06-09T04:36:00.000-09:30

Even my grandfather thinks the war is a mess. I realize that carries no weight with you, but for me, it's like hearing it from Murtha, himself.

Governator

2006-06-09T04:32:00.000-09:30

Try as they might, no one's selling kitschy Gov. Pawlenty shirts here in Minnesota, even though his name is ripe for punning (and you know how we've grown to love punning see Britney's 'Manny,' for example).

2006-05-26T13:54:00.000-09:30

I love the idea that you can just let your ipod go on random, and it will pick a spookily accurate playlist to suit the mood you're in. Unfortunately, my ipod just reminds me that I'm a loser that once really enjoyed Amy Grant's Heart in Motion, and that Walk This Way just gets creepier and creepier every time I hear it.

Next? That damn seagull recording on PJ Harvey's last album. Great album, but what the fuck is up with that???

What mood of mine is that supposed to reflect? What exactly does "seagull noises" suggest about me?

Blind trust in the shuffle process is ill-advised.

Shuffle.

2006-05-26T10:26:00.000-09:30

I'm enamored of the idea that you can just let your ipod go on random, and it will pick a spookily accurate playlist to suit the mood you're in. Unfortunately, my ipod just reminds me that I'm a loser that once really enjoyed Amy Grant's Heart in Motion, and that Walk This Way just gets creepier and creepier every time I hear it.

Next? That damn seagull recording on PJ Harvey's last album. Great album, but what the fuck is up with that???

What mood of mine is that supposed to reflect? What exactly does "seagull noises" suggest about me?

Blind trust in the shuffle process is ill-advised.

The Idol

2006-05-25T16:37:00.000-09:30

I pride myself on being able to handily discuss matters of pop culture without having to completely sully myself through immersion. Usually, promoters and marketers of the shows people care about (American Idol, Lost, Desperate Housewives, etc.) are so well-publicized, that I'm informed of what's happening just by existing. Somehow, the information just seems to seep into my skin.

I always swore, though, if I ever began to remotely care about American Idol, that's when I'd beg you to shoot me. I don't even care about how bad the singers are (I know, some people say they watch just for that. That's fine. I won't begrudge you or judge you (or even E.L. Fudge you! (yes, again, I'm a shitty rapper)).

Truth is, I hate that kind of singing -- that diva-esque belting. I used to get trapped in an elevator where I lived all the time with this one chick who'd calm herself by singing Dianne Warren ballads.

Two girls enter. One girl leaves!

(Okay, nothing happened. I just glared at her a lot and pressed the alarm button more.)

Easy

2006-05-25T16:06:00.000-09:30

People get really weird when talking about so-called promiscuous people such as Paris Hilton (I say "so-called" 'cause no one applies the label to, say, Kid Rock). It's like infamy turns some laypeople into these armchair quarterbacks certain, if they had a chance, they could score 'cause it just looks that easy. Paris Hilton should be a carnival game worker. She'd get a lot of suckers.

Relaxation.

2006-05-23T20:01:00.000-09:30

I'm always being told how tense I look, but no one recommends a masseusse or a Yanni CD or even a good pot dealer. No. They just make their statements and go.

And I get even tenser.

Mischa Barton

2006-05-23T19:58:00.000-09:30

I think I'm the only one who remembers that scene in the Sixth Sense where Mischa Barton pukes all over herself.

Yeah. I take my gingko.

Labels

2006-05-21T19:06:00.000-09:30

I have met this girl so many times in my life. I've always ended up hating her and feeling totally exhausted by her demands for predicate adjective usage that could've been summed up in one word.

___

Sorry about the erratic posting. Our connection is still down (Comcast, this is for you). The guy's been out who knows how many times and still nothing. It's so frustrating.

Anyway, for those of you that are still coming, thanks. I thought I was gonna have to offer up naked photos of myself to bring people back.

Thank God it hasn't come to that.

Angelina Jolie.

2006-05-21T18:58:00.000-09:30

I think there's some sort of unsaid, unwritten myspace rule: if you're a lesbian, you must dedicate 50% of your profile space to Angelina Jolie.

Not that that's bad. AJ is totally fine as a role model (I know, some of you are screaming, "Homewrecker!", but, you know, she like helps kids in the 3rd world and rescues hot hunks from loveless marriages (okay, that I don't know about. And yes, I am referring to Billy Bob Thornton (Laura Dern trapped him!!!!) umm...I'm not sure where the next parenthetical mark is supposed to go and I'm too tired to count. It has come to this.).

I'd rather women look up to Angelina Jolie than, say, Paris Hilton, because while Paris (and she's okay to exist. I won't deny her that right) always seems to be playing the naughty spoiled rich girl, Angelina Jolie always seems like she could totally wipe out entire city blocks and not say too much about it. Kinda like Donald Rumsfeld. That's hot.

hooootttt.. (it's hard to do that Paris Hilton thing with the o's. You really need to say "HAHHHHTTT" But then it looks like you're laughing.)

Anyway, I've known many guys who have said they're disgusted by Angelina Jolie, and perhaps she just works better as a lesbian sex symbol anyway. Who the fuck knows.

I don't know how guys' brains work. Seriously. They seem to prefer an overly bleached blonde Jessica Alba to the darker brunette of her "Dark Angel" days.

I make a shitty guy.

Twist

2006-05-21T18:55:00.000-09:30

This EPT commercial totally caught me off guard. I've never been pregnant, but I didn't realize this was a symptom. I just assumed it meant you had ADD or something.

The Da Vinci Code

2006-05-18T17:57:00.000-09:30

Am I the only one who remembers the way Ron Howard butchered the Sylvia Nassar book on John Nash? Putting Ron Howard in charge of such an explosive book (though, really, who hasn't questioned the Church's stranglehold on history at one point or another?) is like putting Gale Norton in charge of the environment. I'm surprised Bush didn't appoint Ron Howard to direct this movie (yes, I realize that's not how it works).

I'm glad the book has gotten people to ask questions, but I just wonder why it took so long and such a shittily written pulp novel to pull this off.

Or is the charm its shitty prose? If so, I should go back and reread it in a new light.

I hate this keyboard.

PC

2006-05-17T18:56:00.000-09:30

I realize I'm the wrong kind of Asian and therefore can't really comment on what might be perceived as racist. However, if I were, indeed, Asian, I'd go around shouting, "I am so in disharmony right now! And proud! Fuck my ancestors!" You know, just to rebel against type/stereotype.

As an Irish-Indian, I guess my choice would be to remain sober and eat red meat. I'm fine with one of those.

Consumer Power

2006-05-16T20:11:00.000-09:30

I'd like to think I make a difference, but no.

Hand-Off

2006-05-15T18:36:00.000-09:30

Not just anyone can make a good iced mocha, and when I finally find someone who can, only to be handed off to the "new girl," it totally ruins my day. I could win a million bucks and discover the whole world peace thing and yet, the shitty mocha would eclipse it all.

Sometimes, I feel like such a trivial asshole.

Corporate Whore

2006-05-14T19:14:00.000-09:30

Usually, I remember to differentiate between Starbucks terms and other terms. Unfortunately, when I went to the Borders on University this afternoon, I was so taken aback by the absense
of Vanilla Bean coffee, that I just panicked and reverted to asking for a "tall."

That faux pas wouldn't stand apparently. Like many times before, I had to hear the "I don't understand what 'tall' means" speech.

I feel bad about my Starbucks habit. I realize that it makes me corporate slime. I just really really like franchises. I'm so ashamed. I don't feel comfortable in these smaller, independently-owned coffeehouses. I feel like the vibe there has already been established and IT DOESN'T WANT ME!

So, at least at a franchise, I feel a little more anonymous.

Which makes me corporate scum. Again, I know.

Anyway, this was a Border's. It's not like they're some independently-owned beacon of mom-n-poppiness.

Yes, I feel your disapproval. I felt the whole store's.

Minnesota Nice.

2006-05-13T04:00:00.000-09:30

Inspired by a t-shirt ad for 'Minnesota Not-Nice' on Citypages, the Twin Cities alt-weekly. One of the things that drew me to Minneapolis was its reputation for nice people. I mean, seriously. How can you find fault with nice people? Granted, hypocritical and saccharine piss me off more than downright rude, but I'm going off the assumption that 'nice' is, well, 'nice.'

But ask anyone who's grown up here, and they'll bite your head off and say, "That's a bloody lie! Take it back! TAKE IT BACK!!!"

Or something to that effect.

Sure, I know my preconceived notions of Minnesota are akin to Europeans' presumptions of ...the rest of the world immediately after Marco Polo reported back. I'm like one of those naive missionary-types who thinks the heathen people of a foreign land will embrace me and my message and welcome me into their paradise of which I've heard so much about (mainly to sell books and kill off missionaries, it seems).

I'd hate people like me, too, I imagine. I lived in the San Fernando Valley for awhile, and I got sick of people in Santa Monica asking if I did porn, though I'm not sure they make t-shirts in the Valley that say, "The Cunnilingus Will Not Be Televised!" or something like that.

So, yeah, I get it, but still.... mean people still suck, don't they?

Phone Sex

2006-05-12T15:12:00.000-09:30

In a way, I guess I kinda pity those responsible for monitoring our daily activities. Americans have become such exhibitionists, but insipidly so. If I wanted to punish someone, and I had the power, I'd make them eavesdrop on their fellow Americans.

I imagine the same people we have screening baggage at the airport are the same people who are screening our phone calls.

Oh God. Condi must really think I'm such a lamer.

Overexposure.

2006-05-12T15:07:00.000-09:30

Not that the government spying thing is anything new. What bugs me is I've actually heard people say shit like, "It don't bother me none. I ain't got nothing to hide!"

If you lack a guilty conscience, you can't possibly relate to me.

Bygone.

2006-05-10T20:03:00.000-09:30

So on the way to Kinkos (yup, no access), I got pulled over for making a left turn into a right lane or some bullshit like that.

No ticket, but still. This wouldn't have happened if the connection worked.

Sex Toy

2006-05-09T20:07:00.000-09:30

This would've been even funnier if I had published it on Saturday, you know, when I meant to. St. Paul had some bizarre electrical outage that didn't exactly leave us in darkness, but it did shut down the Roseville Mall's JC Penny's, screwed with the brewers at Caribou Coffee, and gave the guys at the tire store across from Caribou a reason to take another break.

Our cable connection in our building's been down. I just assumed it would've been fixed by Monday, but no...And the people at the desk are kinda getting bitchy towards me when I ask what's up with that shit.

Not in so many words, mind you. I'm very polite.

Anyway, now that I've sufficiently lost all of my readers, here's that take on the attempted South Carolina sex toy sale ban. I'm so on top of things.

Encyclopedia

2006-05-09T20:05:00.000-09:30

I still have my set of Collier's Encyclopedias from the very early '80s. Who coulda seen the changes a'coming?

Parastroika! Glasnost!

Seriously. Who knew? Not my mother.

Carmen (Liberal and Conservative Versions)

2006-05-09T20:00:00.000-09:30

As you can see, The Dark and Moody Chicks are fair and balanced.

Blaine

2006-05-09T19:57:00.000-09:30

It's not that I care about David Blaine, it's just that he gets coverage and after awhile, at work, I get really bored and I cave and I read. Sometimes, I even read about sports.

That's low.

Snare

2006-05-05T16:14:00.000-09:30

I've been told that I'm extremely good at deadpan. I'm so good, people have no clue I'm being, well, deadpan, which royally screws the purpose.

A teacher of mine once said of me, "then she gives you that look, as if to say, 'Yes, you may now laugh.'" Because people couldn't gather from the context that the situation warranted it.

I think it's a very American thing to expect humor to announce itself prior to arrival. That probably explains the success of a lot of comedians, especially now. Myspace has a new feature called "MySpace Comedy" and it's full of people mugging for the camera in that way only desperate comedians do, to let you know, "There's wacky stuff a-coming!!!"

I'm not someone you expect humor from, because I'm not overweight and I don't make it a habit of wearing my hipster glasses (I have contacts). Therefore, I think it takes a lot of people by surprise.

I know a lot of people who claim to love British comedy, but usually it's just Monty Python. And while Monty Python is certainly a treasure, I just think a lot of the fans just like saying, "We are the Knights who say NI!"

PBS has been showing reruns of As Time Goes By, the Judi Dench/ Geoffrey Palmer comedy. I must confess I'm bowled over by Dench's impeccable delivery. I think she's an amazing comedic actress.

But her name won't come up when you mention "funniest actors."

No one expects a Dame to be funny.

Hussy.

2006-05-04T19:02:00.000-09:30

Yes. Those are tits, not giant martini olives with toothpicks stabbed through them.

The ERSB found out about the tit/gore possiblities in Oblivion and has cracked down, obviously this brings back memories of the GTA scandal, though the war in Iraq should've been considered a bigger deal.

My boyfriend's been playing a lot of Mortal Kombat 6 lately. I admit, at first I was jealous of Mileena, especially when my boyfriend unlocked her "alternate costume." I'd threaten to kick her ass, but she's apparently way more ninja than me. Her rack looks like a butt. I just chant that sometimes to make myself feel better.

Whatever.

I can't for them to discover the patch that lets you look up the princess's skirt in Super Mario Bros.

Shareholder.

2006-05-03T18:20:00.000-09:30

I know. I can't believe it took Burger King so long to go public, too! I wish I knew who thought that creepy-looking bastard was a good idea.

Oh, sure, I guess in terms of marketing, I noticed (I'm not much of a fast food eater), but damn. There's enough scary shit on tv, already.

Maybe whoever will have a majority stake will also be creeped out.

Parody

2006-05-02T14:42:00.000-09:30

Much has been made of Stephen Colbert's courageous roasting of the president at the White House Correspondent's Dinner (video can be found at Youtube). What suprises me is the way no one seems to be bringing up Barack Obama's own not-too-kind roast of Bush at last March's Gridiron Club Roast. No one even dared to suggest Obama "bombed."

Which basically means, if Obama doesn't get the Democratic nomination in 2008, we're sooo royally fucked. We might get stuck with a candidate that has some substance, some history.

Seriously, I'm fine with Barack Obama so far. I'm mystified as to why everyone's in love with him (was there some sort of secret cabal meeting where the powers-that-be annointed Obama's head with oil?), but I do find him to be extremely charismatic and charming (He speaks with an optimism you only seem find in John Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton).

And that's probably enough for the rest of America. I mean, we fucked up with Kerry and Gore. Who wants to elect those doom-and-gloom fucks?

Oh, no! Global warming!

Stephen Colbert's bit is getting mixed reactions, but I think that's to be expected. Look at the reactions Jon Stewart's Oscar hosting gig got. I watched the Oscars. I was totally fine with Stewart as host. He was the only reason I tuned in (because I certainly hadn't seen any of the movies that were nominated).

And he did what he does on the Daily Show. His comedy nowadays is more about his delivery. He's got this adorable self-deprecating cadence that defies the usual "set-up, punchline, swagger" order of the late-night-comedians we've grown used to (and tired of).

So, even when a Jon Stewart joke dies (as it sometimes seems predestined to do), it's a gem.

When a Jay Leno joke dies.... it smells bad.

Of course, if people don't get the real joke that is Jon Stewart's humor (instead, begging for more Billy Crystal, whom I just can't stand as a host, but I'm young and disrespectful), they're certainly not going to get Stephen Colbert's.

Not unless he throws in a parody.

A song parody, not a film parody. Because, if the success of Billy Crystal's Oscar hosting and the proliferation of JibJab (it's like they've got people at General Electric and Viacom), has told us anything, it's that the baby-boomer crowd fucking loves them their song parodies.

Which should tell us that it's a good time for Weird Al Yankovic to come back...

and sing about food.

Klosterman

2006-05-01T17:15:00.000-09:30

I love humorous essays, but good ones are hard to come by, especially since everyone blogs for free now anyway. I salivate over Dorothy Parker's reviews. I only read The Atlantic Monthly for Sandra Tsing Loh, whom I've actually met (I'm not saying this to brag. But it did make me very giddy!) And Sarah Vowell was the only thing that got me through traffic court.

I was really giddy to discover Chuck Klosterman. After reading his essay on The Sims in Barnes & Noble, I was hooked, and I picked up Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs.

Today, I saw a girl reading Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, and just like the guy in that song Breakfast at Tiffany's says, I thought to myself, "Well, that's the one thing we got."

But just because you both like a book (and how do I know she even liked the book. She could've been completely and totally disgusted by the book. Possession hardly means affection!), it doesn't mean you'll like each other or have anything else in common for that matter.

I just knew if we spoke, red minus signs would appear over her head -- the double ones, where you've really fucked up -- the kind that only appear when you choose "slap" on someone you just met.

And my social meter would be all red, and I'd wave to my sim god and beg for some interaction.

Plus, I had somewhere to be.

Akeelah & The Bee

2006-04-30T16:58:00.000-09:30

After watching the trailer for Akeelah and the Bee, I was filled with a horrible, dark cynicism. In the trailer, her classmates clap when she wins the spelling bee and act stunned when she shows she can spell "prestidigitation." Then, apparently, she goes on to show the spelling bee world, a world of "rich white kids" (even though, in all of the televised events I've seen, they've basically been vaguely Indian-looking nerdy mouth-breathing kids), that the good people of Crenshaw can spell.

I was our school's spelling bee champion in the fifth grade. There was no clapping. No one was stunned that I could spell anything. I was prepared to spell "floccinaucinihilipilification," if asked,
but the hardest word I was given was "committee."

For a brief moment, I entertained notions of going all the way. Like the naive dork that I was (and still am, to a degree), I studied really hard, sure I'd make it to DC. My mom would have press clippings to save. My dad would have something concrete to brag to his friends about, beyond "she gets good grades."

I got out on "achievement".

Yeah.

I've known how to spell that since I was four, but they said I put the "e" before the "i" which is such total bullshit.

I slunk away, dejected, my dreams of being somebody in the spelling bee world dashed. I came back to school. No one cared where I had placed. None of the kids even asked. The event did nothing to boost my standing in our small school's social network, and I was disappointed.

So, I watched the inspirational trailer with skepticism, but I couldn't help but see myself in the plucky Akeelah.

But, it makes no difference, I want to tell her. There's dictionary.com and spell checker. Besides, aren't most newspapers supposedly written at a 6th grade reading level? (Back in college, I remember a girl announcing proudly that she couldn't stand the intellectual bankruptcy of the Los Angeles Times (I lived in The Valley), and she got all of her news from MSNBC.com. Yup.) Big words turn people off. My boyfriend used the word "obscure" in casual conversation at work. He was mocked. No one claps for a word nerd.

No one.

So those kids clapping? That has got to be some sort of twisted fantasy sequence.

You could probably mesh our stories together and have the Mulholland Drive of the spelling bee world.

You know, the one where she wakes up and has a different name and goes crazy from reading too many shittily-written emails from people who could care less that they spelled "cat" wrong?

Damn.

I guess I'm not over this.

Rosie.

2006-04-29T06:35:00.000-09:30

If you think people are getting less sexist, just look to the reaction Rosie O'Donnell's new gig on The View has been getting (just do a blog search for Rosie O'Donnell).

People hate Rosie O'Donnell. They hate her more than they hate Osama bin Laden. If the CIA came out tomorrow and said, "We fucked up. Actually, it was Rosie O'Donnell who masterminded the 9/11 attacks. Not Osama. Sorry, Osama. Our bad," people would be beside themselves with giddy joy.

I've read quite a few blogs that basically say, "I hate The View anyway, but I hate Rosie O'Donnell more because she's fat, ugly, and loud."

It would be one thing if I could believe these people really did hate her because she's loud, if I could believe they were the golf-clapping, npr-listening, inside-voice crowd.

But you know they're fucking Larry, the Cable Guy fans. And they probably love loud political punditry from the likes of Michael Savage.

But no one complains about fat, ugly, loud men.

_____

Here is a link to a free mp3 by the band, King's X. Check it out. They should be way more popular.

Not Shopping.

2006-04-28T12:34:00.000-09:30

I've been totally impressed by how organized and massive the recent immigration rallies have been. Now this. Theoretically, I think it's awesome, though I'm the kind of person who bitches when stores close on Christmas (I always end up needing something). It just sucks when you realize women are like 50% of the majority, and we could probably fuck up a lot of shit if we did the same thing.

That being said, go shopping.

___

While checking my email, I came across a disturbing ad from The National Guard. "Your heart is pumping. Your adrenaline is flowing. Your mind is racing. And you're next." And it's got this guy -- this epitome of the asshole most self-respecting literate types would like to avoid -- screaming, "Hooah!!!"

As if joining The National Guard is like joining an extreme sport. "You know, I've done cliff-diving, sky-surfing, bungee-jumping. I need something new. I know. I'll sign myself up for the possibility of having to fight in a shittily planned, seemingly-endless war for vague, unclear motives, and the lack of adequate armor and reduction of veteran's benefits will add to the extreme-ness!!! Yeah!!!"

I'd post a picture of the ad, but it's some sort of Macromedia Flash bullshit, which makes total sense. I totally expect the military to be Flash assholes. They probably live for .pdf files. I think .pdf files are perfect for boot camp hazing/ violating the Geneva conventions.

Okay, so maybe .pdf files aren't a violation of the Geneva conventions, but they should be.
_____

Wow, so seconds after I publish this, I go to CNN.com to find that Rush Limbaugh has again been arrested on prescription drug charges.

Sometimes, I wonder if his struggles with addiction might ever make him more sympathetic to drug users.

Of course, he could also be a closeted gay man, and I'd hardly expect him to show any sympathy there, either.

Gym

2006-04-27T15:43:00.000-09:30

Some people are angry at Fitness USA for "caving" to these ladies' demands. A few bloggers are alleging that "Sharia has come to Fitness USA!" and "Soon, women will have to work out in burkas!"

Which is all well and stupid.

I just think, if you're one of the many Christians who supported bringing "Intelligent Design" into our public schools, you can't bitch about these Muslim women wanting to be able to work out without men watching (since, that's apparently why many of them joined the gym in the first place. Fitness USA once had that option (and does again, apparently)).

Chiropractor.

2006-04-26T19:10:00.000-09:30

Throughout my life, I think I've always known at least one person who fancies themselves to be some sort of amateur chiropractor. This trait usually comes out at parties, where they think I'm tense because I'm not doing the mashed potato or whatever it is you're supposed to do to show you're having a good time at parties. I'm not exactly a Girls Gone Wild kind of fun. I think I'm fun, I'm just not that fun. Anyway, that usually translates into someone thinking I'm tense, then offering to crack my neck (sometimes there's a massage offer, but if it doesn't turn into sex after a minute of rubbing, they abandon the effort). Of course, I'm freaked out by the prospect of being paralyzed (yes, that might make me a pussy, and if a pussy that makes me, then fine. I'm a pussy. But I'm an able-bodied pussy, thank you). And I don't want them gambling with my spinal cord, but by then the back and forth has gotten so awkward that I just end up feeling even more tense than I was before the offer was made.

If you're concerned about my stress level, buy me a heat pad or something. I'd rather have a rash than be paralyzed.

Faves.

2006-04-25T17:02:00.000-09:30

I realize my Osama looks like a bald Rob Zombie circa the Hellbilly Deluxe era.

Lids

2006-04-24T19:02:00.000-09:30

I just don't understand why Yoplait can't just add ten cents to the price of their yogurt. I'm a proud lid licker, and I don't think I'm the only one.

You know Al-Qaeda wants to get a hold of that PO Box.

Directions.

2006-04-23T17:09:00.000-09:30

People still insist on giving me the shittiest directions to their places, and I hate it, 'cause I'm usually not listening in the first place, then they switch into "directions-giving" mode, and suddenly I have to relearn the whole audio-processing thing. It's 2006. I live in a metropolis. Just let me look it up on the Internet.

Whistle

2006-04-22T02:42:00.000-09:30

When I was in college, they gave the girls rape whistles. Problem was, they were so weak only you and your attacker could hear them. Party favors from New Year's make a louder racket.

Recently, I bought a pack of batteries that came with an "Amazing Race Adventure Kit." This Kit includes a weak-ass compass that doesn't have a magnet so much as the essence of a magnet, puny whistle, mirror, and the pièce de résistance: "Dry Compartment," in which you're supposed to store your ... microfilm? your one raisin? your self-esteem?

McDonalds had a sports bottle promotional campaign back in the early '90s. The bottles came with a separate compartment for "keys, and change, and everything but the liquid you bought this dorky sports bottle for."

I was the least hydrated of my soccer teammates.

Oh, look. A hole. You shouldn't have.

Odelay

2006-04-21T12:58:00.001-09:30

I really like Beck. Even though 'Guero' has been overplayed at Starbucks, I still love it. I still remember borrowing 'Odelay' from our public library because I wasn't sure if I could get into it (I kept it way past the due date). And I also have fond memories of my classmates in the seventh grade arguing over what, exactly, he was saying in the chorus to 'Loser.'

"He's not saying anything! It's jibberish!"
"No, I think it's Spanish. My older sister said it's Spanish!"
"Your older sister is a sluthead!"
"Your mama!"

Ah. Seventh grade. No better time for such a fitting anthem.

Anyway, I'm holding out hope that Beck will be one of the cool Scientologists ('cool' meaning 'sane'). I'm hoping he doesn't jump on couches, criticize Brooke Shields, and say stupid shit like, "I know the history of psychology! You're so glib!!!!"

Unless he manages to make a funky song out of it.

Because, really, who am I to complain about Thetans when I was raised to believe in original sin???

Buy Beck's Guero.

Buy Beck's Odelay

----

Walkie-Talkie.

2006-04-20T14:52:00.000-09:30

On an unrelated note, I've noticed that the keywords some people are using to find The Chicks are rather suggestive. A lot of you are into thongs. Some of you like it when two girls kiss/have sex. A few of you are into spitting in pussies. And some of you are into bondage (You tend to be Southern.)

Kinky.

Check out Jenna Jameson's autobiography. It's funnier than most porn...

Thong.

2006-04-19T14:26:00.000-09:30

There are times when I can't get turned on by either sex, and it really scares me.

Cuneiform.

2006-04-18T16:41:00.000-09:30

I think I'm the most interesting person to talk to, and yet few others seem to agree with me.

Me: "Right! and that's why I suspect all those Unplugged-type shows started disappearing in the late '90s! It wasn't because people got bored! Clear Channel took over!!!"

Them: "Hey! I'm trying to talk with my yogurt here!!!"

Google Ads.

2006-04-17T18:49:00.000-09:30

I feel bad, but that's the first thing that came to my mind when I heard that the guy blogged about his "fantasies."

I think it's funny that his mom's like, "He was such a sweet boy!"

But, he was on psych meds. Not that the meds made him unsweet (or even semi-sweet), but they do suggest there was some inkling of his social inadequacies.

Tingo.

2006-04-16T15:27:00.000-09:30

It's really hard to tell people about my enjoyment of The Meaning of Tingo without sounding like a fucking retard. "Oh, words? You're finally reading words? What a big girl! Do you still have to phonetically sound them out? Do you use your finger to keep your place?"

Yeah.

__

There's a poll at the bottom. Enjoy.

Burn.

2006-04-15T16:27:00.000-09:30

I'm really getting into Adam Jacot de Boinod's The Meaning of Tingo.

Does that reveal my word-nerdiness?

Bondage.

2006-04-14T16:02:00.000-09:30

After reading Stephanie Zacharek's glowing review of The Notorious Bettie Page, I decided to go looking for Page's photographs, hoping to have some sort of womanly-feministy ephiphany that girls seem to get from looking at burlesque/cheesecake/retro-porn.

Unfortunately, the only thing that came to me was the Don Knotts observation. That, and I was surprised to see that girl-on-girl stuff was a marketable fetish even then (I'm one of those "Sex wasn't invented until the late 1960's!" people). Which led me to picture some college guy (with Steve McQueen's voice from The Blob) explaining to his girlfriend, "Aw, shucks, Sally. It's really swell when two girls kiss! It sure is neat-o!"

Piracy.

2006-04-13T14:40:00.000-09:30

I know I'm late on this Mickey Borchadt thing, but I don't really read the L.A. Times anymore since I no longer live in Los Angeles. I did happen to catch a reprint of this today in our local paper, though.

It would be really nice if the feds/ corporate America put their propaganda skills towards discouraging more serious crimes like rape and child molestation 'n' stuff.

Not that anyone really thinks those things are real crimes.

Favors.

2006-04-12T15:22:00.000-09:30

Apparently, the records were considered "Satanic."

People were really paranoid about the occultish power of pop music back in the '70s and '80s (probably before too, but I was at least alive to witness the '80s). I went to a Christian school, and our music teacher (who, apparently, was recently caught cheating on her husband with the school plumber (or something like that)) told us that rock/ hip hop/etc music had a Satanic influence because of the drum beat. She cited "evidence" of this influence, stating that, in Africa, the heathens there would become demonically possessed just by listening to a drum beat. Even Christian rock music was dangerous, she'd said.

Strangely, though, the shitty country music she'd bring in didn't count on the list of Satanic drum beats.

But she ended up having five kids (maybe more. This was just when I left the school).

Someone likes to get freaky.

Barely Legal

2006-04-11T11:51:00.000-09:30

Were there any countdowns for Haley Joel Osment the way there were for the Olsen Twins?
Will Gary Glitter ever catch on as the butt of jokes the way Michael Jackson once did?
I hate people who ask you to sing something that doesn't have words. It just seems cruel.

NKOTB

2006-04-10T11:55:00.000-09:30

We were at Cheapo Records in St. Paul, and I came across New Kids on The Block's greatest hits....

I kinda want it.

Wait, no I don't.

But, I kinda do.

I got DC Talk's Free at Last instead.

I couldn't look the clerk in the eye.

___

The Chicks are on Myspace now. I'll be updating at both places. Befriend me.

Wikipedia.

2006-04-09T03:08:00.000-09:30

I got an email from a guy telling me he had submitted an entry on the "Dark and Moody Chicks" to Wikipedia, but the hall monitors there decided it wasn't "notable enough," and thus, the entry was being nominated for deletion, and vehemently so.

Not that I care all that much. The proposed deletion wouldn't bother me any if Wikipedia didn't have an entry on "Ass to Mouth."

Yup. That's right. Ass to Mouth.

Although, I thought the A2m entry was cool just because it showed how comprehensive Wikipedia aimed to be.

If anything, I'm bummed because it turns out Wikipedia isn't as inclusive as I once thought it was.

Story of my life.

Catch The Dark and Moody Chicks on Wikipedia while you can. Hopefully, someday, they will return.

And maybe WC Quidditch will get laid (and won't have to pay for it).

(Okay, only one of those things is gonna happen.)

___

Hey, Conservatives! I haven't forgotten about you! Listening to NPR this morning, I was informed that there is such a thing as The Annual Santa Cruz Fungus Fair.

Insert your joke here:_________________________.

Cookies

2006-04-08T04:54:00.000-09:30

That would be a good way for the Girl Scouts to get Rush Limbaugh and Winona Ryder's support...

And yes, Courtney's.

Imagine, funding your own cause.

Nirvana.

2006-04-07T06:35:00.000-09:30

It's a real shame Courtney sold a fourth of Nirvana's publishing catalog to a suit, and not just any suit, but a guy formerly from Virgin, Courtney's former record label. Nevermind that Courtney probably had enough publicity over the past couple of years that might've made promoting her solo debut even easier, but Virgin did practically nothing to use her notoriety to their and her advantage.

They could've taken her ugly, over-collagened, over-bleached blonde, yet disturbingly articulate meltdowns and pitted them against the slick, super-polished, carefully-publicized spectacles of lesser divas like Paris and Lindsay, who wither in the heat of Courtney's crazy.

But they didn't. And it sucks, because it's a really, really good album. The kind of album that thrills you with calls to punk rock and riot grrlness. The kind of album that can only be made by an over-40 rock star, old enough to have been there, yet still too immature to be respected.

You know, the anti-Sting.

Then again, I'm not sure I know anyone who owns a Babyshambles record.

Check out America's Sweetheart from Courtney Love.

Google Bomb.

2006-04-06T08:51:00.000-09:30

What more can be said about the Duke rape? Oh, wait, practically nothing's being said. Sure, it's getting coverage, but compared to the coverage Rep. Cynthia McKinney got for scuffling with a police officer, it's been treated like one of those tragic back pages stories.

If only Soledad O'Brien would grill real assholes the way she grilled Rep. McKinney (for which CNN was really proud of itself).

Oh, wait. No one really likes McKinney.

No one likes strippers.

But everyone loves them their jocks.

Public Domain.

2006-04-05T06:22:00.000-09:30

We finally saw "King Kong" in the local dollar theatre. I was moved, but I know I'm the only one. I think the movie would've done better if they actually had Naomi Watts and the titular character get it on. There would've been buzz... possibly enough to rival the Chronicles of Narnia and all its thinly veiled allegory.

And yes, discovering this character is in the public domain really pissed me off. I'm thinking of redoing Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn as sort of a Brokeback retelling. They go off on a fishing trip as adults and....

And why? Because it's free! And if I add some sex?? Ka-ching.

(Okay, this would work so much better if they were girls, but you work with what Twain gives you.)

Tapeworms

2006-04-04T03:49:00.000-09:30

For those of you who haven't heard, Glen "Big Baby" Davis of LSU, in a moment of jock-asshole ambition, exclaimed, "We've still got tapeworms in our bellies. We're still hungry."

I realize no sex tape of his has been found (I don't even know if the guy is straight or even into sex), but I can imagine sex with him would be really, really annoying.

I don't have a Jessica Simpson fetish.

Floppy.

2006-04-03T09:09:00.000-09:30

Okay, so where have the Chicks been? I'm new to this whole "wireless network" thing. I couldn't access our usual network for a couple of days, and I thought that was my fault. I thought I had fucked up the card or something. Turns out, it was something on their end (don't ask who "they" are, 'cause I'm not exactly sure. Let's just say "they" are the ones with access to the "reset" button on the router).

For a while, I entertained the idea of taking the strips to Kinkos on floppy disks... but I'm not sure they even make floppies anymore.

Besides....I have too many bad memories of running to the high school computer lab, trying to print out physics labs, stressing out like some Hollywood BIOS hacker. "Shit! There's no time! But I'm almost in the mainframe!!! Yessss! I'm in!!!"

Eww. Physics.

Not Drugs.

2006-04-03T09:04:00.000-09:30

Is it just me or does 50 look so cuddly when he's being interviewed?