Chiropractor.

Throughout my life, I think I've always known at least one person who fancies themselves to be some sort of amateur chiropractor. This trait usually comes out at parties, where they think I'm tense because I'm not doing the mashed potato or whatever it is you're supposed to do to show you're having a good time at parties. I'm not exactly a Girls Gone Wild kind of fun. I think I'm fun, I'm just not that fun. Anyway, that usually translates into someone thinking I'm tense, then offering to crack my neck (sometimes there's a massage offer, but if it doesn't turn into sex after a minute of rubbing, they abandon the effort). Of course, I'm freaked out by the prospect of being paralyzed (yes, that might make me a pussy, and if a pussy that makes me, then fine. I'm a pussy. But I'm an able-bodied pussy, thank you). And I don't want them gambling with my spinal cord, but by then the back and forth has gotten so awkward that I just end up feeling even more tense than I was before the offer was made. If you're concerned about my stress level, buy me a heat pad or something. I'd rather have a rash than be paralyzed.