Lucasian

I don't know that I would've taken Stephen Hawking's intelligence as seriously had it not been for his seduction of his nurse. I mean, fuck. Thing is, anyone else, I would've deemed it a rotten thing to do, but Stephen Hawking? The guy's already the world's best-known nerd boy, which is usually considered a handicap to a good sex life to begin with, and despite this and everything else he manages to get with her? That's fucking genius, to quote Charlie Sheen from Being John Malkovich. --- It's seriously fucking hot and humid here. If people had any idea how hot it got here in the summer, they'd stop saying to me, "Ahh...the cold!" as if Minnesota has only one season. I saw a commercial for the POTC and desperately missed the beaches in San Diego.

A Briefer History

Not that I totally got A Brief History of Time (okay, I didn't even partially get it. All I remember was it started out with something about a turtle and Aristotle and after that parabolas and italicized letters -- c, and x, and n -- came flying out at me, like Sesame Street from hell), but I was bummed to see his "more accessible" version out. The whole point of ABHOT is to read it and give off the impression that you get it, that you're deep, man...smart. You understand the universe. You can do stuff with parabolas. Reading A Briefer History is like doing girl pushups.

Stephen Hawking

Yahoo! Answers, at first, looks terribly annoying -- an "official" forum masquerading as a community of question askers and answerers. But, in the end, it's actually kind of cute if you take every answer with an apocryphal grain of salt. Still, though, it bugs me that celebrities like Hawking and Bono are asking questions of it. It reminds me of when CNN.com asked for info on how to lower gas prices, and we got back a shitload of conspiracy theories, anti-capitalist rants, and downright racist ravings. Put some vegetable grease in your diesel engine and go.

Nukes.

I don't know how to feel about the North Korea missile thing... When John Bolton did the press conference today, I didn't have my contacts in, so I could only hear him...and fuck, he sounds like Tobias Funke. And that sums it all up. Fucking awesome.

Fuckabee

Of all the brilliant moments that were in I Heart Huckabees (and there were many), one of the crowning achievements was Naomi Watts hissing, "Fuckabees." Don't we all wish we had a bumpersticker to that effect? But unless we're in Arkansas, it doesn't matter...and who wants to be in Arkansas? I fear if he runs, though, he'd win.

Ziggy.

I once received a one-a-day Ziggy calendar in a white-elephant Secret Santa thing. I was like, "Okay, who hates me and wants me to know they think I'm a pathetic loser??" The suspects, at the time, were many.

Flood.

I hate that fucking story of the guy and the flood and the prayer and the rescue shit. Hopefully, no one does a "Katrina"-twist. That would be very, very wrong.

Rhetorical

Seriously, how do people strike up conversations these days? Is it the texting thing? Is it that people are now giving such short answers via text that they carry that over into their daily conversation?? Or is my lack of knowledge of Kate Hudson really that damning?

Kate Hudson

I do know she inspired some really shitty songs from Chris Robinson...But no one knows who that is. The weird thing? How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days was on the other night. Spooky!

Isolation.

What does that Duke study mean about Americans? Are we becoming less of a Hallmark-sending society? Does it even matter? All those myspace profiles with 15,000-some odd friends can't be wrong.

Patronizing

I picture a tightly-smiling, insincere midwestern woman saying, "Have a happy period." Actually, I picture my stepmother.

Excommunicate.

I'll never understand the Vatican's bizarre morality.

kaffeeklatsch

And of course, we'd have no Star Jones type person pontificating about faith and sex after marriage-and-gastric-bypass surgery.

Suicide By..

I'm still wondering why Saddam hasn't chosen to represent himself. Isn't that what Milesovic did? It's just something I've come to expect from megalomaniacal dictators. -- In other news, looks like Warren Buffet got inspired by Anderson Cooper's interview with Angelina Jolie. I knew it would touch lives.

Salmonella

My dad went to school in England, so Cadbury has a special place in our house despite being owned by Nestle or Hershey or something like that. Sometimes, when my dad came home from work, he'd leave a huge bar of Cadbury Fruit 'n' Nut in the fridge, and we'd pick at it for a week. And now, when I want to find this particular bar, it's almost impossible. Once, I did find one, only to discover it was all stale and gross. Oh, but there's white chocolate Hershey bars by the assload. I'm such a loser.

Real Girls

I've always been out of the loop on fashion. I watch Project Runway and have no clue what's going on. "She's not wearing that out of the house, is she??? Oh, no she didn't!" And it turns out, practically everybody is wearing that. And I'm like, Hey! These Livestrong bracelets sure are cool!

Jeans

I miss the Mudd jeans that had a bit of a flare and made my ass look really good. What is this South Pole bullshit???? Everything I love gets taken from me.

Captain EO

I was soooo scared of Michael Jackson as a kid. I'm not sure if my parents were aware of this. I don't know if they realized there was a correlation between my hysterical screaming (seriously) and anything off the Thriller album. So, of course, living in Southern California, we went to Disneyland a lot, and Captain EO, which is basically Michael Jackson in 3-D was huge. Much of my dad's family is from South America, and they seemed to really really like Michael Jackson there at the time. So, when they'd come to visit, we'd go to Disneyland and I'd have to sit through Captain EO. I know it fucked me up in some way. I'm not sure exactly how, but I know it did. And now with all that's happened with Jackson, I feel mildly vindicated. Oh, NOW you think he's weird. To quote Will Wheaton's Wesley Crusher... "Adults."

Lilac Convalescent

It's ugly, but I suppose it does help that alleged Great Society fuckup.

Old Folks

I can't believe they're raising the recruitment age for the military. Guess we really are desperate. We sure are putting said boot in said ass, aren't we, Toby?

Susan Powter

How could you not get off to those informercials back in the day? Seriously? Hot.

Art or Porn

I will say this, as unattractive (sorry) as I find the Tamara Hoover, I do like the photography. I wonder if she and her partner do wedding photography. As long as I don't have to wear tape on my nipples, it's cool.

Argentina

I know this one's a gamble. Seriously, though, I was just glancing through the "Top Searches," and "Argentina" made me do a double-take. Anyway, last time I did a comic regarding Angelina Jolie, all my Amazon ads for weeks kept churning out Angelina products (they're supposed to just show new DVD's that are on sale -- stuff like "Brokeback Mountain" and "King Kong"). That'll convince my family that I'm straight.

Exclusive

I'm pretty sure the only reason anyone tuned in (if at all. I think we all just decided to look it up online later) was to see Britney Spears cry, which is pretty cruel. Some people have mastered the cute cry. Britney has not (nor should she be expected to).

Grill

Back in 1999, a couple of guys said to me, "I'd like to bend her over my tailgate!" They, of course, said this of Britney Spears, who was huge at the time. I wonder if they'd say that now. Here's hoping that after her next baby is born, she goes on that fabulous Nicole Richie diet and shows up all the haters.

Tonight Show

I stayed up to watch the Leno in hopes of seeing George Carlin and Ann Coulter go at it. But nothing happened. I'm sure Carlin had to be careful. Just listening to her speak probably gave him a mild stroke. I almost had to go off to my own happy place. If Hitler were alive (and no, I'm not comparing her to Hitler), he'd hit the talk show circuit. And there would be people cheering him on. Every viewpoint's got a fan, which is somewhat reassuring. You can never be truly alone. Not to be too mean, but doesn't Ann look like one of the mermaids from the Harry Potter movie?? That was below me.